Mystery of the Krabby Patty (part II)

Hello, dear humans and fellow aliens!

As you might recall, last post, I tried to determine the ingredients of a Krabby Patty. All, except the patty itself.

If you haven’t read the first part, I suggest you do it now because you’ll learn lots of un-useful stuff you’ll never need to know to thrive in life.

Have you read it?

It doesn’t really matter for this. I’ll just spend this whole post discussing the meat of the patty and its implications.

Sometimes, I look at myself and wonder how I ended up here, you know? Writing theories as a hobby, keeping a blog…

I’d like to thank everyone in Portugal and Belgium who’s been reading this. You’re amazing, guys.

So, as I was saying, the greatest secret in “SpongeBob” is the recipe of the Krabby Patty.

Let’s just take a minute to breathe deeply before I ruin your childhood and make you disgusted to look at Mr. Krabs for a while.

Did you breathe properly?

OK, so… The secret ingredient of the Krabby Patty is…

Crab meat.

I should probably have realised this sooner and so did you (if you did, why are you reading this? Get a life). But not everyone spends their free the thinking about the secret recipe of a fictional burger in a kids’ show.

Except for me.

“Krabby” basically means “something that has the properties and characteristics of a crab” and “Patty” means “a small flat cake of minced or finely chopped food, especially meat”.

Basically, it’s a crab meat pie.

I’m just taking a moment to think that maybe “SpongeBob” is just an underwater version of “Sweeney Todd” with SpongeBob playing Mrs. Lovett. Just… I’d like to see that on an episode.

Right now, you’re probably saying that Mr. Krabs panicked when he accidentally murdered the health inspector with the Nasty Patty

Well, let me tell you something that will totally blow your mind!

Mr. Karbbs is… A CRAB!

I bet you weren´t expecting that one.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is that the health inspector was a completely different species, he was a fish.

Many studies show that most serial killers started off with torturing and/or killing animals, which justifies their coldness towards life and natural cruelty.

There are some serial killers who absolutely adore animals. One example is Dennis Nilsen, London’s most notorious serial killer. His main concern when considered guilty of murder and being sentenced to prison was his dog, Bleep. Let’s take a minute to appreciate the name Bleep, I’m seriously starting to like this particular murderer. He absolutely loved his dog.

There are others who loved their pets: Myra Hindley, Ian Brady, John Wayne Gacy, Jeffery Dahmer, Harold Shipman, Ed Gein and Adolf Hitler, who couldn’t stand the slightest cruelty to animals and was a vegetarian.

So, it is possible for a serial killer to feel bad about killing a member of another species but have no problem murdering his own.

Got that, let’s move on!

Obviously, cannibalism has its ups and downs (I can’t believe I just said that) but the symptoms are very simple: the cannibal becomes more violent and it’s more probable that he becomes angry over nothing.

“But the inhabitants of Bikini Bottom are always so calm!” I hear you say.

If you still haven’t gotten this, let me spell it out for you:

THEY AREN’T CRABS!

They don’t suffer the symptoms of cannibalism because they’re different species, it’s not cannibalism.

And, as for the diseases caused by eating un-treated flesh, you don’t have to worry about them. The meat in the patties was carefully spiced and cooked, there is no such risk.

And now, the million-dollar question…

Could the not-so-loveable Mr. Krabs actually be a murderer?

I’ll let you be the judge of that.

You see, you might think it’s easy to profile a serial killer but it’s actually more complicated that it seems. Basically, serial killers are divided into two groups: asocial and non-social.

Let me present you the traits of an asocial serial killer:

·    Has a below average IQ;

·    Is socially awkward;

·    Lives alone and has no social interaction;

·    Absent or abusive parent;

·    Lives and/or works near his crime scenes;

·    Has no interest in the news;

·    Quit high school;

·    Poor hygiene;

·    Has a hiding place at home;

·    Prefers to do his activities during the night;

·    Visits crime scenes;

·    Is in contact with victims’ families;

·    Does not show interest in police work;

·    Needs help to achieve goals;

·    Leaves corpse where it was killed;

·    Has in identifiable pattern;

·    Thinks of victims as objects and calls them “it”;

·    Leaves chaotic crime scene with physical evidence.

Doesn’t really sound like Mr. Krabs, right?

He loves his daughter, has social interaction, lives nowhere near possibly crab-killing spots, has an extremely clean home, prefers the day, is independent and, of course, if he is a cannibal, he doesn’t leave the body.

But do you know where he fits?

Non-social serial killer. Just look at it!

·    Has an average IQ;

·    Is comfortable in social situations;

·    Loves his family;

·    Geographically mobile;

·    Follows the news;

·    (Possibly) went to college;

·    Good hygiene and housekeeping skills;

·    Prefers the day;

·    Returns to crime scene to see police work (we can’t really apply it here because it’s undiscovered cannibalism);

·    Is independent;

·    Kills in one place and disposes in another one (crab killing spot => Krusty Krab);

·    May dismember body (duh, he’s a cannibal);

·    Leaves little physical evidence.

Kind of looks more like him, isn’t it?

He probably has a crab-killing spot outside town (there are lots of weird things outside Bikini Bottom) where he murders his victims and chops them up.

Mr. Krabb’s IQ is considered to be in the border between low average and low, at around 60. But, looking at that diagram and looking at the series, you realize that the diagram is wrong.

Sandy is clearly more than an average person… I mean, squirrel. She built an underwater dome in which she could breathe, was able to plant grass and a tree underground and create a system able of extracting water. She is at least high average.

Squidward’s IQ is also wrong but 50% of me is saying that because I kind of liked him as a child. He is very cult, he plays the clarinet and makes various kinds of art. All those things increase your IQ because art and some sports require you to exercise both sides of your brain (logical side and creative side).

Also, I think his clarinet is also an oboe because the sound it makes sounds nothing like the clarinet I, myself, play. It’s either another instrument or a really misplaced soft reed, 1 or 2 in hardness. That also means he has some amazing lungs to play it like that.

Also, how do you swallow your reed?! That thing has a metallic holder.

From that, we can only assume that Mr. Krabb’s IQ is also wrong. That would give him the IQ of a non-social serial killer, filling in all the traits.

Evidence suggests he is a sociopath, according to the saying “psychopaths are born, sociopaths are made”. Remember that.

Let’s look at his past. I was lucky to find his biography in a fan wiki. I was surprised with what I read.

Eugene Harold Krabs (that’s his real name) was born in a poor family, being ne of two children, second to his sister. He was put in custody of his grandfather, Redbeard Krabs, who was a pirate, at a very young age. He was always an outcast at school, mocked by the other fish, being friends only with Plankton.

He seems to have clearly been abused and rejected during his childhood, something that would likely create a sociopath.

And now, to support this theory, I shall talk about something that really excites me.

ARCHITECTURE AND DEMOGRAPHY!

Let’s start off with demography.

In “SpongeBob”, different species seem to be assigned to different cities and/or parts of bikini bottom. For example, all squids live in Squid Ville, since you never see any other squid outside it. Sponges live in a far-off part of the suburbs, which explains why SpongeBob’s grandmother lives so far away from the rest of the city. Patrick’s parents have to take a long journey to meet him. Bikini Bottom seems to be assigned exclusively to different species of fish.

So… where do the crabs live?

I don’t want to state the obvious, but you never see any other crab in Bikini Bottom. We never hear about them. Where did they go?

Well, maybe they all live trapped in the crab-killing spot, waiting for the fatidic day when they will be turned into patties.

Now, let’s talk about architecture.

Have you noticed the unusual shape of the restaurant: a crab trap?

If you think I’m jumping into conclusions, I’m not. There are objects just like that (but in metal) that are used as an easier way to catch crabs.

Why would a restaurant owned by a crab have that shape?!

And now, the very last proof.

The colour of a crab’s flesh.

I was going to make research on this but the series gives us a pretty good colour for a crab’s flesh when SpongeBob wears Mr. Krabb’s shell. We see his naked skin and it is the right colour to, when chopped up and grilled, have the same colour of a patty.

Let me just take a minute to just breathe.

I didn’t really believe this when I started but, with all the evidence I was able to gather, I’m really confident.

But now, just to cut out the loose end, let’s look into the episode that almost burned my theory to the ground.

Stinky Burgers.

If you need a quick refresher, “Stinky Burgers” was the name of the restaurant where all the kids went to eat burgers when Mr. Krabs was in middle school/high school. The owner, who prepared delicious burgers every day wouldn’t let Mr. Krabs or Plankton eat at his establishment because it would scare away his customers. So, the two friends started their own fast food business, using a simpler form of the secret Krabby Patty formula. After the closing of Stinky Burgers, Plankton and Mr. Krabs fight over who will get the recipe and continue business. They tear it apart. Plankton gets one ingredient and Mr. Krabs gets the rest. He then accidentally spills spices on the cauldron where he was cooking the patty meat and tastes it, hence creating the current Krabby Patty formula.

You’re probably saying “It can’t be crab meat! It would have to taste the same!”. Yeah, you’re right. But I don’t give up that easily, Google thinks I’ll kill someone in the next few days, I’ll use that knowledge!

Not that particular knowledge, it’s not much help here.

People on the internet say crab tastes similar to lobster. I’ve never eaten lobster that wasn’t surimi, so I’ll stick with that.

But you’re probably saying “eating lobster is still cannibalism, it’s like crabs eating crabs”.

Uh… a lobster is not a crab. It wouldn’t be cannibalism, it would be as if we started eating monkeys, in which I don’t really see a problem. They’re different species.

BUT if you’re still not fully convinced it’s not cannibalism, crab has been said to taste like a slightly salty fish (again, I’ve never really eaten it). Crabs killing fish and fish killing fish is different, there you have it.

BUT I have another information for you. Plankton created the very fist patty through a scientific process. Surimi, or imitation seafood is created by bits of processed fish mixed with chemicals like colourants and flavourings. It’s created through scientific process and is mostly made with uncertain materials.

It fits perfectly!

It’s mostly made of fish myofibrillar proteins. It has been used for eight hundred years in Japan, first introduced in cookbooks in 1528. It’s been around for a long time.

We know that there are animals (some domesticated, some wild and free) in the series, like Gary (I’m not saying the first patty was mad with bits of snails, just giving examples). Why couldn’t there be a food that is for them what fish is for us?

Like… jellyfishes, stuff that lives in the wild.

Unfortunately, the only animals we see in SpongeBob are either snails or jellyfish, which doesn’t really lead to any conclusions, just a vague possibility.

For example, human flesh is said to taste like veal and pork (I didn’t eat it, I read the comments made by serial killers who ate their victims), more exactly, a veal’s liver. I know it’s weird as weird can get.

Maybe, Krabs and Plankton used surimi the first time they made the patties and then Mr. Krabs decided to improve them, taking it to a darker level. We know all the crazy stuff he’d do to get money. He was ready to murder a fish to retrieve a few dollars (you know, when he suspected him of being a fake health inspector and gave him the nasty patty).

He could be a murderer and a cannibal.

He could be just a regular crab obsessed with money.

Who knows?

The choice of believing is entirely up to you.