Mystery of the Krabby Patty (SpongeBob Theory)

Hello, dear humans and fellow aliens!

Today, I am going to talk about “SpongeBob”.

I would totally have made this theory sooner but what really triggered me was when I started watching the original version of the series. I’m not from any English-speaking country so the name they had for the Krabby Patty in my county’s dubbed version can be roughly translated to “Juicy Burger”, though it can vary from season to season.

So, one of the things that has always bothered me is the secret recipe of the Krabby Patty. As I child, I really wanted to try and eat it, but I couldn’t. But now, after gathering all information I need, I will unravel the secrets of Mr. Krabb’s cuisine.

Are you ready?

We can deduce one of the most obvious ingredients from simply looking at the series’ landscape: the “lettuce”. I don’t usually eat burgers but, when I do, I enjoy eating that fresh lettuce flavour to contrast the salty meat. It gives balance to the food. Unfortunately, lettuce doesn’t grow under the sea. Every underwater lettuce (it exists, I’m not joking) is made in special greenhouses for… reasons. Therefore, looking at the natural fields where the jellyfishes live, we can conclude that the lettuce in the patties is actually seaweed, since they have the same colour, except that seaweed is naturally found under the sea. It’s not the accurate colour, but the illustrators coloured it that way, so I’ll stick to that.

Also, as I expected, onions, mustard, tomatoes and cereals don’t grow under the sea either, so this is where it gets complicated.

One of the sea vegetables things I found that most resemble onion in colour is arame. It has a purplish colour, similar to the patties’ onions. We know that the artists who drew the series tend to make everything brighter to look more cartoonish. For example, regular seaweed is dark-green but, in the series, it’s portrayed as light-green.

At this point, I’m just looking forward to all the useless stuff I’ll know about the sea when I’m finished.

Now, let’s move on to the bread.

So, since the series was written in America, I’m assuming everything’s set in the Pacific Ocean.

Want to know a funny thing about the Pacific Ocean?

You can grow rice there. There have been people who grow rice under the sea. It started in the 80’s, when a Chinese scientist discovered wild rice of a special breed and decided to plant it on the ocean to save space and try to relief the hunger of the Chinese people.

The things you learn in the Internet, am I right?

Now, you’re probably thinking “There’s no connection between rice and bread, your theory has failed”.

Well, actually… I present to you Rice Bread:

We know Bikini Bottom has the technology necessary to create bread out of… something. Why couldn’t the something be the rice that grows there?

To be fair, rice doesn’t grow that deep inside the water, it’s more like… by the coast.

But have you noticed that the only thing that contains bread are the Patties? Maybe rice and bread are expensive products from far off lands (even though they can’t be too expensive because Mr. Krabbs is kind of like Scrooge).

They’re probably just products like caviar. Some people eat it, you can easily find it in the supermarket (I’ve seen it hundreds of times) but has a high price only some people can bother to afford. Everyone can afford it but the packages are so small it’s a waste of money.

Speaking of caviar…

Fish eggs can take many colours, including yellow and red, the colours of Ketchup and Mustard. For fishes, it’s probably as natural as eating chicken eggs is for us.

If we consider the tendency the series has to make everything brighter, the orangy-yellow and red turns into Ketchup and Mustard and, since the eggs are so small, they could probably pass for sauce.

And now… the last ingredient… *sigh*

“THE MEAT, THE MEAT” I hear you screaming in your heads.

No, pickles!

I was kind of surprised to know that, some years ago, the American West Coast was swept by a horde of people who loved sea pickles. They’re weird, kind of transparent and all but they are practically the only thing that shares the name with what we see in the series.

I’ve never eaten any of them and I suddenly feel very disinterested in tasting a Krabby Patty because I hate pickles. I’d never thought of that before.

Well, it’s life, right?

Now, we shall proceed to the greatest secret of all… the actual burger.

I’m not saying I want to annoy you, I just don’t want to reveal the information I found about it like this. I would shove too much stuff in your face at a time and that’s not very pleasant.

You probably understand. If you don’t, some of you know me personally. Why don’t you complain to my face?

See you next post.